Quick reads

• Organising a class of Yr8 boys for 5-a-side football is fairly straightforward.  On one occasion however my instructions to the six teams could have been a little more explicit.  Speaking to the group, I said “ Team A will play B on pitch 1, Team C will play D on pitch 2, E will warm up on pitch 3,  F off”.  I was quite rightly taken to task by my students over my instructions to Team F !

 

• School party in France. Boy comes up to me “Sir, they speak French here!” “Yes, I reply, we’re in France” “but they speak it all the time!!” He replies.

 

•  Little chap to member of Office staff, “Miss, I’ve come for my Ritalin”.  Office staff to little chap “You’ve already had it today”. Little chap, with some degree of perplexity “ah, I thought I’d been good today”.

 

• “Please allow my son special consideration for his GCSE exam this morning as he was up all night because his girl friend went into labour!”

 

• I was having some friendly banter with a group of boys who had just left school. One  of them said “So I can call you Richard now then can I?” I said “Yes, I suppose you can”. There was a pause and then the following reply “Oh, right, thank you Sir.”

 

• One day I had two parental interviews, one after each other. The first set of parents complained that their child was not being set enough homework. The second set of parents, whose child was in the same class, complained that their son wasn’t get enough homework. You can’t win!

 

• What a luxury for our school to have all-weather pitches for children to run off some energy at lunchtimes particularly in bad weather. Just a shame that I regularly had to put up a “Pitch water logged – out of use” sign !

 

• Comic relief day when everyone gets dressed up in all manner of weird and wonderful costumes. Great fun, but it does tend to make life a little harder when someone brings a polar bear to you to be “disciplined”.

 

• Year 7 biology group had a test on reproduction.  One very sweet little chap put his hand up and whispered quite earnestly to me “Miss, I have very big writing and I am having trouble fitting the full word on the line……do  you think it will be ok if i just wrote VAG ? “

 

• After asking an enthusiastic yr7 student what lesson they had next, the reply came back “English. I love English, it’s like Maths, but with words”.

 

• My son was not at school yesterday as he had diore,   dierea ,   diare …… the runs.

 

• When you think you are doing a good service to the local community by hurrying late stragglers into school, it’s a bit of a shame to be shouted at by a resident for being too loud and waking up her husband who was on a night shift.  Some you win …..

 

• A very big Yr11 boy came to reception to say that he was having very acute stomach pains. He said “They’re just like period pains”. A male clearly in touch with his feminine side.

 

•  “what musical instrument would you like to learn?” “The air guitar”!

 

• I asked a yr8 girl why she had recently voted her RE teachers as someone who should receive a school teaching award. Her reply was “Because she is the best thing since spread- able marshmallows”.

 

• Following a series of minor accidents whilst boys were carrying their string and brass instruments to school on their bikes, the female Deputy Head announced in a whole school assembly “that boys should strap their instruments to their cross bars”.

 

• A sick note while teaching in North London: “Dear Sir, Plees excus Brain (Brian) from doin P.E. this mornin. He’s not feelin well as he had an axident. He’s bin hit in ver stommick wiv an hammer”.

 

•  In an effort to make our Cross Country course a little more challenging, we included a 6 inch deep flooded area. Despite encouragement from staff, the Year 7s refused to enter the shallow puddle when they saw me, (6’ tall), kneeling down in the freezing water giving the appearance of them having to wade through up to their waists.

 

• One break time, sensing a heated debate amongst some yr11 students, which I felt could possibly end in an unseemly brawl, I approached the group with great speed – only to hear one say very firmly to the other, “No, you have to do your Masters before you can do your PhD.”

 

•  A young man was sent to me for using inappropriate language in the classroom. Immediately admitting and apologising for his offence he said, “I know, I’m such a p**ck sometimes”.

 

•  It’s not a bad excuse …..I asked a little Yr 7 chap why his shirt wasn’t tucked into his trousers. With supreme confidence he said “Every time I put my hand up to answer a question, it falls out”. You can’t argue with that.

 

•   The more you try….
  There I was, doing my best to “join in” at the Yr 11 Leavers Prom when a “leaver” walked by and asked me if my arthritis was playing up.

 

•  ” My Yr 10 daughter is not in school today as I couldn’t get her and her boyfriend out of bed and I didn’t want to spoil my morning by having a quarrel” !

 

•  Absence note – “The Doctor said he is suffering from a local bug called “Bug of the month” and is highly contagious.

 

• In the very early days of mobile phones, when definitely not allowed in school, a boy got locked in the toilets. He used his “illegal” mobile phone to phone his Mum, who phoned the school to tell us to go and get him out”. Genius!

 

• Always proof read!      RS report …….is making very god progress in Religious Studies